Parenting the Sensitive Child (2)

In this blog post I continue discussing disciplining sensitive children. This time we’ll have a look at children with a Sensitive Ear.

(Missed something? Read about Sensitive Children and Parenting the Sensitive Child (1))

These children are very sensitive to what they hear. They listen to how something was said and not necessarily what was said. Try to speak in normal tones with these children, because raised voices, high pitched voices or loud booming voices physically scare them into stress.

They immediately interpret a loud voice and anger and think that he/she is the cause of that emotion. So if you come home from work and is upset about something a colleague did, keep your voice calm when you tell the story to your sensitive ear child (or partner!), otherwise he/she will probably not hear a word you say - they will worry about why you are angry with them.

This can cause problem with disciplining because, let’s face it, it’s hard to keep your cool when you’re angry or when a child broke your crystal vase from Venice.

Try and see it from the child’s perspective: you are yelling or talking with a raised, angry voice and the child shuts down, not hearing what you are saying, but understanding that you are very angry.

They will probably cry, because they don’t like people being angry at them, but chances are that they don’t know what they did wrong, increasing the chances of repeating that same offence.

A better way of dealing with disciplining is to take a deep breath, count to ten, and ask the child to go to his/her bedroom (or whatever room you have chosen for time out). That gives you time to gather your senses and cool down (keep it under 5min) so that when you go to the child, you can explain calmly in a neutral voice what he/she has done wrong and why you consider it to be wrong. Also talk about punishment for that behaviour in the same normal tone of voice.

This prevents the child from crawling into an emotional hole like a frightened kitten and opens up a chance for discussion and deeper relationship. As the child gets older, this is very important for forming a bond with your teenager who is normally quite detached from parents.

Children with a sensitive eye also flourish under verbal recognition.

Having trouble getting your child to make the bed? Tip: Say in a warm, friendly tone that Mommy will be so proud if he/she makes his/her bed (or whatever chore). When the child does complete the chore, give ample verbal encouragement (don’t be too loud or high-pitched!). The chances of that child doing that chore again, is very good when he/she gets the encouragement and attention they want.

And keep up the encouragement! Until you are sure that the behaviour is imprinted, keep on making a big deal about a chore well done. You can scale it down later as you start concentrating on a different chore.

The flip side is what parents revert to by default: yell when it is not done. Negative attention is still attention and although the child gets scared when you raise your voice, it may count as recognition and will be counterproductive.

Rather concentrate on what is being done well and ask in friendly tones when you and the child are not rushed or busy to complete a previously ignored chore.

Another thing to keep in mind is when giving instructions to these kids, give instructions one at a time instead of a whole list, eg. “Please bring me the milk”, instead of “Please bring me the milk, 2 eggs, bread and salt.” With a list the child is likely to get confused and forget something. One at a time works best for children with a dominant left ear.

Parenting the Sensitive Child (1)

Sensitive children need to be parented and disciplined in a different way and their specific sensitivity must also be taken into account. In this blog post I will be talking about children with a Sensitive Eye.

(If you have missed my previous blog post on sensitive children, HERE it is)

These children need to be restricted by what they see on the television, making sure they don’t see violence, bullying, or people/animals getting hurt. The reason for this is that they experience these much more personally and the images will haunt them and may cause nightmares. Not only for young kids, but also for teenagers, so always keep this in mind.

They also stress immediately when someone looks angry or upset. The first thing their minds jump to is: “What did I do wrong?” and the child may not hear a word you say while looking this way. This means that the child never hears what he/she actually did do wrong, so they probably will do it again.

When your child needs disciplining, make sure that your face and body language is neutral - no frowning, thin mouth line, aggressive or defensive body position, etc.

Understandably this may be impossible for many parents. No need to worry - if you can’t get a hold of your body language, ask the child to close his/her eyes before you explain what they did wrong and how you want them to fix it (apology?).

These kids also do extremely well with visual recognition. Draw up a reward chart (or print one out from the internet!) and mark the chores and behaviours you need from him/her. I suggest using the gold star and black dot system where a gold star is received for every positive behavior and a black dot is for every negative behavior.

You can do this either on a day-by-day chart (1 week at a time) or an open chart where actions receives recognition when done or not done, irrespective of when. What I like about the open chart is that a child can get more than one star (or dot) per day if they deserved it.

Day-to-day 1 week chart

Another way of tackling the open chart is to use only stars and take one away for bad behavior. Or a black dot may be taken down if the child reverses the bad behavior with good.

Open chart

What you need to understand about the chart is that sensitive eye children want to see good recognition and fear bad or ugly feedback. If you can give the black dot “the ultimate bad” reputation, the child will fear it going on the chart and rather do good things to make the bad things disappear. You are responsible to give the stars and dots the association the child needs to understand and pursue them.

Put the chart up somewhere where people will see it. It is no use hiding it in the child's closet, because then his/her friends won't accidentally see it. The child must want to to be proud of the chart when friends see it. The kitchen is always a good spot.

Make sure that the child is always present when stars or dots are put up (or taken down).

More examples of charts (click on the image to see a larger version):

Blog post: How to discipline a child with a sensitive EAR

Sensitive Children

Some children seem to let nothing get them down while others seem to take everything personally. You may or may not be aware that your child is sensitive.

An easy way to check is to watch your child and listen carefully to his/her stories. Does she say yes to things she shouldn’t? Is he concerned about a boy in class that doesn’t like him? Is she always trying to please others?

These are a few ways to guess at sensitivity and the interesting thing about sensitivity is that it is directly connected to either a dominant left ear or left eye or both. This is tested during the genetic brain profile. This is also my favourite part of the brain profile.

Sensitive children all have the following in common:

-    They find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.

-    They want people to be happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up.

-    They want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.

-    They are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.

-    When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.

Sensitive EAR	Sensitive EYE
- Sensitive to tone and pitch - Are distracted by noise - If people SOUND angry, they assume it's their fault and stress - Shrill or loud voices = angry voices	- Sensitive to body language - Are distracted by movement - If people LOOK angry, they assume it's their fault and stress - Violence/painful scenes haunts them
*Need VERBAL RECOGNITION	*Need VISUAL RECOGNITION
Spoken words of affirmation: “I love you”, “you are beautiful”, “thank you”, "Mommy is proud of you", etc.	Show affection: hugs; kisses; notes on the fridge, pillow or in lunch boxes; special gestures (eg. favorite dinner), etc.
*This is not an ego booster. Without these recognitions, the child assumes the opposite is true and develops a low self esteem.

It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child. They also need guidance to learn how to say “no” to people; otherwise they will always be “the sucker who says yes”.

They need to learn how to be compassionate without compromising themselves and for that they need gentle parenting.

Some children have both of these sensitivities, which make them classic people pleasers. Help and show them how to be assertive because they easily fall prey to others’ manipulations. They also need both types of recognition to develop a healthy self esteem.

Some children have no sensitivity at all which you need to be aware of as well. They can become arrogant, defiant and manipulative. They need to learn how to deal with other peoples’ feelings (since they don’t care what other people think of them) and be considerate towards others.

Blog post: How to discipline a child with a sensitive EYE

Blog post: How to discipline a child with a sensitive EAR