Parenting a child with a Sensitive Ear

Sensitive children need to be parented and disciplined in a different way and their specific sensitivity must also be taken into account. Read about understanding sensitive children.

Children with a sensitive ear:

• Are sensitive to tone of voice
• If people SOUND angry, they assume it's their fault and goes into stress
• Are distracted by noise
• Find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.
• Want people to sound happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up in some or other way.
• Want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.
• Are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.
• When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.
• Need VERBAL recognition
• Express affection with words, say "I love you", "You look pretty today", "I like your drawing", "I'm proud of you", etc.
• If your child does not get the recognition he/she needs, they will assume that the opposite is true.
• It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child.

These children are very sensitive to what they hear. They listen to how something was said and not necessarily what was said. Try to speak in normal tones with these children, because raised voices, high pitched voices or loud booming voices physically scare them into stress.

They immediately interpret a loud voice and anger and think that he/she is the cause of that emotion. So if you come home from work and is upset about something a colleague did, keep your voice calm when you tell the story to your sensitive ear child (or partner!), otherwise he/she will probably not hear a word you say - they will worry about why you are angry with them.

This can cause problem with disciplining because, let’s face it, it’s hard to keep your cool when you’re angry or when a child broke your crystal vase from Venice.

Try and see it from the child’s perspective: you are yelling or talking with a raised, angry voice and the child shuts down, not hearing what you are saying, but understanding that you are very angry.

They will probably cry, because they don’t like people being angry at them, but chances are that they don’t know what they did wrong, increasing the chances of repeating that same offence.

A better way of dealing with disciplining is to take a deep breath, count to ten, and ask the child to go to his/her bedroom (or whatever room you have chosen for time out). That gives you time to gather your senses and cool down (keep it under 5min) so that when you go to the child, you can explain calmly in a neutral voice what he/she has done wrong and why you consider it to be wrong. Also talk about punishment for that behaviour in the same normal tone of voice.

This prevents the child from crawling into an emotional hole like a frightened kitten and opens up a chance for discussion and deeper relationship. As the child gets older, this is very important for forming a bond with your teenager who is normally quite detached from parents.

Children with a sensitive ear also flourish with verbal recognition.

Having trouble getting your child to make the bed? Tip: Say in a warm, friendly tone that Mommy will be so proud if he/she makes his/her bed (or whatever chore). When the child does complete the chore, give verbal encouragement (don’t be too loud or high-pitched!). The chances of that child doing that chore again, is very good when he/she gets the encouragement and attention they want.  Stay away from praise, as that can lead to a misguided self image. Focus on what they did, how they persisted and finally got it right instead of saying how wonderful, brilliant, awesome they are. There's a subtle difference but it can influence the child greatly.

And keep up the encouragement! Until you are sure that the behaviour is imprinted, keep on making a big deal about a chore well done. You can scale it down later as you start concentrating on a different chore.

The flip side is what parents revert to by default: yell when it is not done. Negative attention is still attention and although the child gets scared when you raise your voice, it may count as recognition, albeit negative recognition, and will be counterproductive.

Rather concentrate on what is being done well and ask in friendly tones when you and the child are not rushed or busy to complete a previously ignored chore.

Another thing to keep in mind is when giving instructions to these kids, give instructions one at a time instead of a whole list, eg. “Please bring me the milk”, instead of “Please bring me the milk, 2 eggs, bread and salt.” With a list the child is likely to get confused and forget something. One at a time works best for children with a dominant left ear.

I hope this has shed some light on your sensitive child and equipped you to handle your child in a more appropriate way. If you have any questions or concerns, you are welcome to comment and I will try my best to assist you.

Parenting a child with a Sensitive Eye

Sensitive children need to be parented and disciplined in a different way and their specific sensitivity must also be taken into account. Read about understanding sensitive children.

Children with a sensitive eye:

• Are sensitive to body language
• If people LOOK angry, they assume it's their fault and goes into stress
• Are distracted by movement
• Is prone to daydreaming
• Do not like to see violence or pain
• Find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.
• Want people to look happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up in some or other way.
• Want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.
• Are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.
• When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.
• Need VISUAL recognition
• Show affection with hugs, kisses, notes, special gestures, attending their games/concerts, etc.
• If your child does not get the recognition he/she needs, they will assume that the opposite is true.
• It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child.

These children are typical "sensitive viewers" and need to be restricted by what they see on the television, paying attention to violence, bullying, or people/animals getting hurt. They experience visual pain much more personally and the images will haunt them and may even cause nightmares. It is also true for teenagers and adults.

They stress immediately when someone looks angry or upset. The first thing their minds jump to is: “What did I do wrong?” and the child may not hear a word you say while you are looking this way. This means that the child never hears what he/she actually did do wrong, so they probably will do it again.

When your child needs disciplining, make sure that your face and body language is neutral - no frowning, thin mouth line, aggressive or defensive body position, etc.

Understandably this may be near impossible for many parents. No need to worry - if you can’t get a hold of your body language, ask the child to close his/her eyes before you explain what they did wrong and how you want them to fix it (apology?).

These kids also do extremely well with reward charts. You can draw one up yourself or print one out from the internet and mark the chores and behaviours you need from him/her. You can use the gold star and black dot system where a gold star is received for every positive behaviour and a black dot is for every negative behaviour.

The child wants to see positive things and really don't like seeing negative things associated with him/her, especially where other people can see it too. They will work extra hard for gold stars and will try to please you so there will be no black dots.
If you're not a fan of the black dots, you can achieve the same goals with rewarding gold stars, but taking stars down for bad behaviour.

Here are two examples of charts: closed and open. For a closed chart only one star/dot is awarded per day for a specific behaviour while on an open chart stars and dots are added when it is applicable.
If you are using the stars only, then the open chart will work best for you.

Day-to-day 1 week chart

Open chart

You are responsible to give the stars and dots the association the child needs to understand and pursue them.

Put the chart up somewhere where people will see it. It is no use hiding it in the child's closet, because then his/her friends won't accidentally see it. The child must want to to be proud of the chart when friends and family see it. The kitchen is always a good spot.

Make sure that the child is always present when stars or dots are put up (or taken down).

I hope this helps a few parents out there. Let me know what you think. If you have challenges with your sensitive children you are welcome to comment, I will do my best to assist you.

How to understand and help your sensitive child

Some children seem to let nothing get them down while others seem to take everything personally. You may or may not be aware that your child is sensitive.

An easy way to check is to watch your child and listen carefully to his/her stories. Does she say yes to things she shouldn’t? Is he concerned about a boy in class that doesn’t like him? Is she always trying to please others? Is he upset that a friend doesn't want to play with him? Does he look bewildered with loud noises? Is she having nightmares about something she saw on TV?

These are a few ways to guess at sensitivity and the interesting thing about sensitivity is that it is directly connected to either a dominant left ear or left eye or both. This is tested during the genetic brain profile. This is also my favourite part of the brain profile.

Sensitive children all have the following in common:

-    They find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.

-    They want people to be happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up in some or other way.

-    They want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.

-    They are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.

-    When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.

Sensitive EAR	Sensitive EYE
- Sensitive to tone and pitch - Are distracted by noise - If people SOUND angry, they assume it's their fault and stress - Shrill or loud voices = angry voices	- Sensitive to body language - Are distracted by movement - If people LOOK angry, they assume it's their fault and stress - Violence/painful scenes haunts them
*Need VERBAL RECOGNITION	*Need VISUAL RECOGNITION
Spoken words of affirmation: “I love you”, “you are beautiful”, “thank you”, "Mommy is proud of you", etc.	Show affection: hugs; kisses; notes on the fridge, pillow or in lunch boxes; special gestures (eg. favorite dinner), etc.
*This is not an ego booster. Without these recognitions, the child assumes the opposite is true and develops a low self esteem.

It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child. 

CASE STUDY

I have had a family who came to me with three boys. When we started talking about sensitivities, two of the boys had sensitive eyes while the other had a sensitive ear. The sensitive ear suddenly looked up to me and said very surprised: "So my dad actually loves me?"

The other boys were very surprised by his question and so was the mother (dad wasn't present at the session).

It turned out that their dad was a very involved dad, driving them to games, never missing a single game of all the boys, taking them for ice-cream and so on. But never ever did he express his love in words. The two boys thought their dad was awesome, but the sensitive ear boy just assumed that his dad didn't like him as much. It was a very emotional discovery for the whole family.

You can never underestimate the power of "speaking the right language" with your loved ones.

Sensitive children also need guidance to learn how to say “no” to people; otherwise they will always be “the sucker who says yes”. They need to learn how to be compassionate without compromising themselves and for that they need gentle parenting and guidance.

Some children have both of these sensitivities, which make them classic people pleasers. Help and show them how to be assertive because they easily fall prey to others’ manipulations. They also need both types of recognition to develop a healthy self esteem.

Some children have no sensitivity at all which you need to be aware of as well. They can become arrogant, defiant and manipulative. They need to learn how to deal with other peoples’ feelings (since they don’t care what other people think of them) and be considerate towards others. 

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't say or show you love these children, but it won't affect them the way it would for a sensitive child.

People are all different and it never ceases to amaze me. Learn about your own family's specific needs and see how your relationship changes.

I will gladly answer any questions or comments you might have regarding sensitivities.

 

The Genetic Brain Profile Report

If you have had your or your child's brain profile done by an Edu-Profilogist like myself, you would know that you'll receive an extensive report after the session.
Adult and child reports vary slightly.

This report covers:
- Dominances and their explanations (Brain, Hand, Foot, Eye, Ear)
- Normal functioning
- Stress functioning
- Barriers (What will cause stress)
- Implications (Explanation off the profile)
- Recommendations, incl. ideal placement in classrooms
- 12 Intelligences (Talents - both inborn and those needing nurture for development)
- * Profile Strenghts
- * Profile Weaknesses
- * Relationship Needs
- * Communications Style
- * Preferred Business Setting
- * Working in a Team
- * Management Style
- Career Indications
* Adult report only, although many of these will be discussed during the session for children as well.

The Genetic Brain Profile explains who you were born to be, your inborn good and bad traits. It is very important to note that nothing in the profile may be used as an excuse!
For instance: if you are right brained it is unacceptable to blame your inability to finish tasks on your right brain.
What you should do is recognise that you have a weakness and that it is caused by your genes, but strive to overcome this weakness by forcing yourself to get out of your comfort zone.

Sometimes we have to do things we don't like. If you are right ear dominant, it will be hard for you to patiently listen to a long winded story (and not zone out or interrupt), but sometimes you have to grind your teeth and suck it up.

It is much harder for children to do something they are uncomfortable with and that doesn't come naturally to them. That is why it is so important for parents to help your child work through the weaknesses and overcome them.

All children need to get through school. All children need to work to get through school, whether they like it or not. All children need to be respectful of other people, both elders and peers. All children need to know what hurts other people and what builds other people.

If you know you child's strengths and weaknesses, you'll know what to focus on and monitor in your child so that your child becomes the best version of himself he can be.

Parenting the Sensitive Child (2)

In this blog post I continue discussing disciplining sensitive children. This time we’ll have a look at children with a Sensitive Ear.

(Missed something? Read about Sensitive Children and Parenting the Sensitive Child (1))

These children are very sensitive to what they hear. They listen to how something was said and not necessarily what was said. Try to speak in normal tones with these children, because raised voices, high pitched voices or loud booming voices physically scare them into stress.

They immediately interpret a loud voice and anger and think that he/she is the cause of that emotion. So if you come home from work and is upset about something a colleague did, keep your voice calm when you tell the story to your sensitive ear child (or partner!), otherwise he/she will probably not hear a word you say - they will worry about why you are angry with them.

This can cause problem with disciplining because, let’s face it, it’s hard to keep your cool when you’re angry or when a child broke your crystal vase from Venice.

Try and see it from the child’s perspective: you are yelling or talking with a raised, angry voice and the child shuts down, not hearing what you are saying, but understanding that you are very angry.

They will probably cry, because they don’t like people being angry at them, but chances are that they don’t know what they did wrong, increasing the chances of repeating that same offence.

A better way of dealing with disciplining is to take a deep breath, count to ten, and ask the child to go to his/her bedroom (or whatever room you have chosen for time out). That gives you time to gather your senses and cool down (keep it under 5min) so that when you go to the child, you can explain calmly in a neutral voice what he/she has done wrong and why you consider it to be wrong. Also talk about punishment for that behaviour in the same normal tone of voice.

This prevents the child from crawling into an emotional hole like a frightened kitten and opens up a chance for discussion and deeper relationship. As the child gets older, this is very important for forming a bond with your teenager who is normally quite detached from parents.

Children with a sensitive eye also flourish under verbal recognition.

Having trouble getting your child to make the bed? Tip: Say in a warm, friendly tone that Mommy will be so proud if he/she makes his/her bed (or whatever chore). When the child does complete the chore, give ample verbal encouragement (don’t be too loud or high-pitched!). The chances of that child doing that chore again, is very good when he/she gets the encouragement and attention they want.

And keep up the encouragement! Until you are sure that the behaviour is imprinted, keep on making a big deal about a chore well done. You can scale it down later as you start concentrating on a different chore.

The flip side is what parents revert to by default: yell when it is not done. Negative attention is still attention and although the child gets scared when you raise your voice, it may count as recognition and will be counterproductive.

Rather concentrate on what is being done well and ask in friendly tones when you and the child are not rushed or busy to complete a previously ignored chore.

Another thing to keep in mind is when giving instructions to these kids, give instructions one at a time instead of a whole list, eg. “Please bring me the milk”, instead of “Please bring me the milk, 2 eggs, bread and salt.” With a list the child is likely to get confused and forget something. One at a time works best for children with a dominant left ear.

Parenting the Sensitive Child (1)

Sensitive children need to be parented and disciplined in a different way and their specific sensitivity must also be taken into account. In this blog post I will be talking about children with a Sensitive Eye.

(If you have missed my previous blog post on sensitive children, HERE it is)

These children need to be restricted by what they see on the television, making sure they don’t see violence, bullying, or people/animals getting hurt. The reason for this is that they experience these much more personally and the images will haunt them and may cause nightmares. Not only for young kids, but also for teenagers, so always keep this in mind.

They also stress immediately when someone looks angry or upset. The first thing their minds jump to is: “What did I do wrong?” and the child may not hear a word you say while looking this way. This means that the child never hears what he/she actually did do wrong, so they probably will do it again.

When your child needs disciplining, make sure that your face and body language is neutral - no frowning, thin mouth line, aggressive or defensive body position, etc.

Understandably this may be impossible for many parents. No need to worry - if you can’t get a hold of your body language, ask the child to close his/her eyes before you explain what they did wrong and how you want them to fix it (apology?).

These kids also do extremely well with visual recognition. Draw up a reward chart (or print one out from the internet!) and mark the chores and behaviours you need from him/her. I suggest using the gold star and black dot system where a gold star is received for every positive behavior and a black dot is for every negative behavior.

You can do this either on a day-by-day chart (1 week at a time) or an open chart where actions receives recognition when done or not done, irrespective of when. What I like about the open chart is that a child can get more than one star (or dot) per day if they deserved it.

Day-to-day 1 week chart

Another way of tackling the open chart is to use only stars and take one away for bad behavior. Or a black dot may be taken down if the child reverses the bad behavior with good.

Open chart

What you need to understand about the chart is that sensitive eye children want to see good recognition and fear bad or ugly feedback. If you can give the black dot “the ultimate bad” reputation, the child will fear it going on the chart and rather do good things to make the bad things disappear. You are responsible to give the stars and dots the association the child needs to understand and pursue them.

Put the chart up somewhere where people will see it. It is no use hiding it in the child's closet, because then his/her friends won't accidentally see it. The child must want to to be proud of the chart when friends see it. The kitchen is always a good spot.

Make sure that the child is always present when stars or dots are put up (or taken down).

More examples of charts (click on the image to see a larger version):

Blog post: How to discipline a child with a sensitive EAR

Teaching Good TV Habits

Extract from an article by kidshealth.org

Read full article: How TV Affects Your Child

Here are some practical ways to make TV-viewing more productive in your home:

·   Limit the number of TV-watching hours:

o  Stock the room in which you have your TV with plenty of other non-screen entertainment (books, kids' magazines, toys, puzzles, board games, etc.) to encourage kids to do something other than watch the tube.

o  Keep TVs out of bedrooms.

o  Turn the TV off during meals.

o  Don't allow kids to watch TV while doing homework.

o  Treat TV as a privilege to be earned — not a right. Establish and enforce family TV viewing rules, such as TV is allowed only after chores and homework are completed.

·   Try a weekday ban. Schoolwork, sports activities, and job responsibilities make it tough to find extra family time during the week. Record weekday shows or save TV time for weekends and you'll have more family togetherness time to spend on meals, games, physical activity, and reading during the week.

·   Set a good example by limiting your own TV viewing.

·   Check the TV listings and program reviews ahead of time for programs your family can watch together (i.e., developmentally appropriate and nonviolent programs that reinforce your family's values). Choose shows that foster interest and learning in hobbies and education (reading, science, etc.).

·   Preview programs before your kids watch them.

·   Come up with a family TV schedule that you all agree upon each week. Then, post the schedule in a visible area (e.g., on the refrigerator) so that everyone knows which programs are OK to watch and when. And make sure to turn off the TV when the "scheduled" program is over instead of channel surfing.

·   Watch TV together. If you can't sit through the whole program, at least watch the first few minutes to assess the tone and appropriateness, then check in throughout the show.

·   Talk to kids about what they see on TV and share your own beliefs and values. If something you don't approve of appears on the screen, you can turn off the TV, then use the opportunity to ask thought-provoking questions such as, "Do you think it was OK when those men got in that fight? What else could they have done? What would you have done?" Or, "What do you think about how those teenagers were acting at that party? Do you think what they were doing was wrong?"
If certain people or characters are mistreated or discriminated against, talk about why it's important to treat everyone fairly, despite their differences. You can use TV to explain confusing situations and express your feelings about difficult topics (sex, love, drugs, alcohol, smoking, work, behavior, family life).

·   Talk to other parents, your doctor, and teachers about their TV-watching policies and kid-friendly programs they'd recommend.

·   Offer fun alternatives to television. If your kids want to watch TV but you want to turn off the tube, suggest that you all play a board game, start a game of hide and seek, play outside, read, work on crafts or hobbies, or listen and dance to music. The possibilities for fun without the tube are endless — so turn off the TV and enjoy the quality time together.

ADHD Controversy

Hyperactive children can be unmanageable, defiant and aggressive. Many parents have their fingers in their hair, staring at this little creature and think: “This isn’t what I signed up for”. Children are supposed to be the ultimate joy in a parent’s life.

So what went wrong?

While it is true that some children need ADHD management and medication, the rate of misdiagnosis is staggering. Earlier research stated that about 2-3% of children, more boys than girls are affected by ADHD. Looking at reality, in a class of 30 kids about 5 or more are on medication which is about 16%, far more than the 2-3%.

Some people claim that ADHD can be better diagnosed and therefore more children are being picked up (research shows that 10% of children are now diagnosed), but I believe that the true reason is misdiagnosis.

How many mothers have you met who says: “Jason was diagnosed with ADHD when he was grade 1, but when I had him retested in grade 3, they said that he didn’t have ADHD.” I know quite a few mothers with the same problem. Children are being misdiagnosed and put on medication they don’t need.

Why are kids being misdiagnosed?

There are several reasons. One is that a teacher complains to a parent about their child being hyperactive, distant or short concentration span. Parents want their child to be the best, nicest and most beautiful, so such a report must be changed.

Another is that parents compare their kids to their friends’ and find that their child is naughtier or more defiant than their friends’ “little angels”, resulting in medical intervention.

There are many other people who regularly complain to parents on the behaviour of their kids - grandparents, friends, babysitters, etc.

The next step is to have the child tested by a professional who will find the child has or doesn’t have ADHD and take necessary action.

Misdiagnoses happen when normal children seem hyperactive.

Now you may think I’ve lost my mind, but there are a number of reasons why a normal child displays characteristics of hyperactivity or attention deficit.

1)      Children consume too much sugar and preservatives and too little nutritional food or drink.
Children need real nutrition for their brains and bodies to work properly. How much frozen, crumbled chicken or other shaped food do you serve your kids? They’re easy to make: just bake, pan fry or deep fry, they keep for ages in the freezer and kids love them.
Why you shouldn’t give your children food like this: they’re full of preservatives, salt, sugar, fat, ground up meat off cuts, and more. The amount of real nutrition in these is shocking.
Your children need to eat real meat: chicken, beef, fish and vegetables (not take-away cheesy veggie bites) and fruit. The fresher the food, the better the nutrition. Frozen veggies can be used, but fresh veggies tastes better and are actually better for your family.
Rule of thumb: if it doesn’t spoil, don’t eat it; but eat it before it spoils.

Here is a fantastic article written by Dr. Michael G. Conner (Psychologist) which explains how food and TV can make your perfectly normal child seem hyperactive, defiant or even mentally disturbed.

2)      Children need to drink enough water. This is actually part of the previous point, but it is too important to skim over. Kids love sweet drinks, soda and flavoured milk, but the fact is that the need water. You can treat them from time to time with their favourite drink or candy (not a bucket load of candy, just about one child’s handful), but they need to eat fruit and drink water daily and by default.
Your kids should know that the answer to: “Mommy, I’m thirsty,” is “Here’s a glass of water.”

3)      Children need involved, assertive parents. If you let your kids walk all over you, that’s exactly what they will do. Your house is not a democracy - you are in charge and your kids need to understand, from as early as possible, that your rules are the law.
I’m not going to go on and on about how to be a good parent. There are numerous books and articles out there to help you be a better parent. Still, even if you’ve read every single book and article on parenting, it is still your house and you have to be comfortable with your life.
Just make sure that the kids understand that the parents have to be obeyed and they can’t manipulate you. Make sure that your rules serve the purpose of loving and protecting your child and your choices have their best interest at heart.

Children disobey parents and teachers when they aren’t sure that they are loved and/or when they always get their way. The latter can make children become increasingly manipulative with parents, other people in authority and peers.

If you suspect that your child has ADHD, first eliminate external factors, like diet and parenting style, before you march off to the doctor.