Parenting a child with a Sensitive Eye

Sensitive children need to be parented and disciplined in a different way and their specific sensitivity must also be taken into account. Read about understanding sensitive children.

Children with a sensitive eye:

• Are sensitive to body language
• If people LOOK angry, they assume it's their fault and goes into stress
• Are distracted by movement
• Is prone to daydreaming
• Do not like to see violence or pain
• Find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.
• Want people to look happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up in some or other way.
• Want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.
• Are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.
• When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.
• Need VISUAL recognition
• Show affection with hugs, kisses, notes, special gestures, attending their games/concerts, etc.
• If your child does not get the recognition he/she needs, they will assume that the opposite is true.
• It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child.

These children are typical "sensitive viewers" and need to be restricted by what they see on the television, paying attention to violence, bullying, or people/animals getting hurt. They experience visual pain much more personally and the images will haunt them and may even cause nightmares. It is also true for teenagers and adults.

They stress immediately when someone looks angry or upset. The first thing their minds jump to is: “What did I do wrong?” and the child may not hear a word you say while you are looking this way. This means that the child never hears what he/she actually did do wrong, so they probably will do it again.

When your child needs disciplining, make sure that your face and body language is neutral - no frowning, thin mouth line, aggressive or defensive body position, etc.

Understandably this may be near impossible for many parents. No need to worry - if you can’t get a hold of your body language, ask the child to close his/her eyes before you explain what they did wrong and how you want them to fix it (apology?).

These kids also do extremely well with reward charts. You can draw one up yourself or print one out from the internet and mark the chores and behaviours you need from him/her. You can use the gold star and black dot system where a gold star is received for every positive behaviour and a black dot is for every negative behaviour.

The child wants to see positive things and really don't like seeing negative things associated with him/her, especially where other people can see it too. They will work extra hard for gold stars and will try to please you so there will be no black dots.
If you're not a fan of the black dots, you can achieve the same goals with rewarding gold stars, but taking stars down for bad behaviour.

Here are two examples of charts: closed and open. For a closed chart only one star/dot is awarded per day for a specific behaviour while on an open chart stars and dots are added when it is applicable.
If you are using the stars only, then the open chart will work best for you.

Day-to-day 1 week chart

Open chart

You are responsible to give the stars and dots the association the child needs to understand and pursue them.

Put the chart up somewhere where people will see it. It is no use hiding it in the child's closet, because then his/her friends won't accidentally see it. The child must want to to be proud of the chart when friends and family see it. The kitchen is always a good spot.

Make sure that the child is always present when stars or dots are put up (or taken down).

I hope this helps a few parents out there. Let me know what you think. If you have challenges with your sensitive children you are welcome to comment, I will do my best to assist you.

How to understand and help your sensitive child

Some children seem to let nothing get them down while others seem to take everything personally. You may or may not be aware that your child is sensitive.

An easy way to check is to watch your child and listen carefully to his/her stories. Does she say yes to things she shouldn’t? Is he concerned about a boy in class that doesn’t like him? Is she always trying to please others? Is he upset that a friend doesn't want to play with him? Does he look bewildered with loud noises? Is she having nightmares about something she saw on TV?

These are a few ways to guess at sensitivity and the interesting thing about sensitivity is that it is directly connected to either a dominant left ear or left eye or both. This is tested during the genetic brain profile. This is also my favourite part of the brain profile.

Sensitive children all have the following in common:

-    They find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.

-    They want people to be happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up in some or other way.

-    They want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.

-    They are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.

-    When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.

Sensitive EAR	Sensitive EYE
- Sensitive to tone and pitch - Are distracted by noise - If people SOUND angry, they assume it's their fault and stress - Shrill or loud voices = angry voices	- Sensitive to body language - Are distracted by movement - If people LOOK angry, they assume it's their fault and stress - Violence/painful scenes haunts them
*Need VERBAL RECOGNITION	*Need VISUAL RECOGNITION
Spoken words of affirmation: “I love you”, “you are beautiful”, “thank you”, "Mommy is proud of you", etc.	Show affection: hugs; kisses; notes on the fridge, pillow or in lunch boxes; special gestures (eg. favorite dinner), etc.
*This is not an ego booster. Without these recognitions, the child assumes the opposite is true and develops a low self esteem.

It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child. 

CASE STUDY

I have had a family who came to me with three boys. When we started talking about sensitivities, two of the boys had sensitive eyes while the other had a sensitive ear. The sensitive ear suddenly looked up to me and said very surprised: "So my dad actually loves me?"

The other boys were very surprised by his question and so was the mother (dad wasn't present at the session).

It turned out that their dad was a very involved dad, driving them to games, never missing a single game of all the boys, taking them for ice-cream and so on. But never ever did he express his love in words. The two boys thought their dad was awesome, but the sensitive ear boy just assumed that his dad didn't like him as much. It was a very emotional discovery for the whole family.

You can never underestimate the power of "speaking the right language" with your loved ones.

Sensitive children also need guidance to learn how to say “no” to people; otherwise they will always be “the sucker who says yes”. They need to learn how to be compassionate without compromising themselves and for that they need gentle parenting and guidance.

Some children have both of these sensitivities, which make them classic people pleasers. Help and show them how to be assertive because they easily fall prey to others’ manipulations. They also need both types of recognition to develop a healthy self esteem.

Some children have no sensitivity at all which you need to be aware of as well. They can become arrogant, defiant and manipulative. They need to learn how to deal with other peoples’ feelings (since they don’t care what other people think of them) and be considerate towards others. 

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't say or show you love these children, but it won't affect them the way it would for a sensitive child.

People are all different and it never ceases to amaze me. Learn about your own family's specific needs and see how your relationship changes.

I will gladly answer any questions or comments you might have regarding sensitivities.