Parenting a child with a Sensitive Ear

Sensitive children need to be parented and disciplined in a different way and their specific sensitivity must also be taken into account. Read about understanding sensitive children.

Children with a sensitive ear:

• Are sensitive to tone of voice
• If people SOUND angry, they assume it's their fault and goes into stress
• Are distracted by noise
• Find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.
• Want people to sound happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up in some or other way.
• Want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.
• Are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.
• When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.
• Need VERBAL recognition
• Express affection with words, say "I love you", "You look pretty today", "I like your drawing", "I'm proud of you", etc.
• If your child does not get the recognition he/she needs, they will assume that the opposite is true.
• It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child.

These children are very sensitive to what they hear. They listen to how something was said and not necessarily what was said. Try to speak in normal tones with these children, because raised voices, high pitched voices or loud booming voices physically scare them into stress.

They immediately interpret a loud voice and anger and think that he/she is the cause of that emotion. So if you come home from work and is upset about something a colleague did, keep your voice calm when you tell the story to your sensitive ear child (or partner!), otherwise he/she will probably not hear a word you say - they will worry about why you are angry with them.

This can cause problem with disciplining because, let’s face it, it’s hard to keep your cool when you’re angry or when a child broke your crystal vase from Venice.

Try and see it from the child’s perspective: you are yelling or talking with a raised, angry voice and the child shuts down, not hearing what you are saying, but understanding that you are very angry.

They will probably cry, because they don’t like people being angry at them, but chances are that they don’t know what they did wrong, increasing the chances of repeating that same offence.

A better way of dealing with disciplining is to take a deep breath, count to ten, and ask the child to go to his/her bedroom (or whatever room you have chosen for time out). That gives you time to gather your senses and cool down (keep it under 5min) so that when you go to the child, you can explain calmly in a neutral voice what he/she has done wrong and why you consider it to be wrong. Also talk about punishment for that behaviour in the same normal tone of voice.

This prevents the child from crawling into an emotional hole like a frightened kitten and opens up a chance for discussion and deeper relationship. As the child gets older, this is very important for forming a bond with your teenager who is normally quite detached from parents.

Children with a sensitive ear also flourish with verbal recognition.

Having trouble getting your child to make the bed? Tip: Say in a warm, friendly tone that Mommy will be so proud if he/she makes his/her bed (or whatever chore). When the child does complete the chore, give verbal encouragement (don’t be too loud or high-pitched!). The chances of that child doing that chore again, is very good when he/she gets the encouragement and attention they want.  Stay away from praise, as that can lead to a misguided self image. Focus on what they did, how they persisted and finally got it right instead of saying how wonderful, brilliant, awesome they are. There's a subtle difference but it can influence the child greatly.

And keep up the encouragement! Until you are sure that the behaviour is imprinted, keep on making a big deal about a chore well done. You can scale it down later as you start concentrating on a different chore.

The flip side is what parents revert to by default: yell when it is not done. Negative attention is still attention and although the child gets scared when you raise your voice, it may count as recognition, albeit negative recognition, and will be counterproductive.

Rather concentrate on what is being done well and ask in friendly tones when you and the child are not rushed or busy to complete a previously ignored chore.

Another thing to keep in mind is when giving instructions to these kids, give instructions one at a time instead of a whole list, eg. “Please bring me the milk”, instead of “Please bring me the milk, 2 eggs, bread and salt.” With a list the child is likely to get confused and forget something. One at a time works best for children with a dominant left ear.

I hope this has shed some light on your sensitive child and equipped you to handle your child in a more appropriate way. If you have any questions or concerns, you are welcome to comment and I will try my best to assist you.

Parenting a child with a Sensitive Eye

Sensitive children need to be parented and disciplined in a different way and their specific sensitivity must also be taken into account. Read about understanding sensitive children.

Children with a sensitive eye:

• Are sensitive to body language
• If people LOOK angry, they assume it's their fault and goes into stress
• Are distracted by movement
• Is prone to daydreaming
• Do not like to see violence or pain
• Find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.
• Want people to look happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up in some or other way.
• Want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.
• Are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.
• When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.
• Need VISUAL recognition
• Show affection with hugs, kisses, notes, special gestures, attending their games/concerts, etc.
• If your child does not get the recognition he/she needs, they will assume that the opposite is true.
• It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child.

These children are typical "sensitive viewers" and need to be restricted by what they see on the television, paying attention to violence, bullying, or people/animals getting hurt. They experience visual pain much more personally and the images will haunt them and may even cause nightmares. It is also true for teenagers and adults.

They stress immediately when someone looks angry or upset. The first thing their minds jump to is: “What did I do wrong?” and the child may not hear a word you say while you are looking this way. This means that the child never hears what he/she actually did do wrong, so they probably will do it again.

When your child needs disciplining, make sure that your face and body language is neutral - no frowning, thin mouth line, aggressive or defensive body position, etc.

Understandably this may be near impossible for many parents. No need to worry - if you can’t get a hold of your body language, ask the child to close his/her eyes before you explain what they did wrong and how you want them to fix it (apology?).

These kids also do extremely well with reward charts. You can draw one up yourself or print one out from the internet and mark the chores and behaviours you need from him/her. You can use the gold star and black dot system where a gold star is received for every positive behaviour and a black dot is for every negative behaviour.

The child wants to see positive things and really don't like seeing negative things associated with him/her, especially where other people can see it too. They will work extra hard for gold stars and will try to please you so there will be no black dots.
If you're not a fan of the black dots, you can achieve the same goals with rewarding gold stars, but taking stars down for bad behaviour.

Here are two examples of charts: closed and open. For a closed chart only one star/dot is awarded per day for a specific behaviour while on an open chart stars and dots are added when it is applicable.
If you are using the stars only, then the open chart will work best for you.

Day-to-day 1 week chart

Open chart

You are responsible to give the stars and dots the association the child needs to understand and pursue them.

Put the chart up somewhere where people will see it. It is no use hiding it in the child's closet, because then his/her friends won't accidentally see it. The child must want to to be proud of the chart when friends and family see it. The kitchen is always a good spot.

Make sure that the child is always present when stars or dots are put up (or taken down).

I hope this helps a few parents out there. Let me know what you think. If you have challenges with your sensitive children you are welcome to comment, I will do my best to assist you.

How to understand and help your sensitive child

Some children seem to let nothing get them down while others seem to take everything personally. You may or may not be aware that your child is sensitive.

An easy way to check is to watch your child and listen carefully to his/her stories. Does she say yes to things she shouldn’t? Is he concerned about a boy in class that doesn’t like him? Is she always trying to please others? Is he upset that a friend doesn't want to play with him? Does he look bewildered with loud noises? Is she having nightmares about something she saw on TV?

These are a few ways to guess at sensitivity and the interesting thing about sensitivity is that it is directly connected to either a dominant left ear or left eye or both. This is tested during the genetic brain profile. This is also my favourite part of the brain profile.

Sensitive children all have the following in common:

-    They find it hard to say “no” to people, even if the request is irrational.

-    They want people to be happy. If not, they’ll try to cheer the person up in some or other way.

-    They want people to like them. If one person doesn’t like them, they’ll be fixated on that and rarely focus on the people who do like them.

-    They are compassionate towards other people and sincere empathy comes naturally to them.

-    When they stress, they feel like the whole world is against them, nobody cares about them, everybody hates them and they may even be scared.

Sensitive EAR	Sensitive EYE
- Sensitive to tone and pitch - Are distracted by noise - If people SOUND angry, they assume it's their fault and stress - Shrill or loud voices = angry voices	- Sensitive to body language - Are distracted by movement - If people LOOK angry, they assume it's their fault and stress - Violence/painful scenes haunts them
*Need VERBAL RECOGNITION	*Need VISUAL RECOGNITION
Spoken words of affirmation: “I love you”, “you are beautiful”, “thank you”, "Mommy is proud of you", etc.	Show affection: hugs; kisses; notes on the fridge, pillow or in lunch boxes; special gestures (eg. favorite dinner), etc.
*This is not an ego booster. Without these recognitions, the child assumes the opposite is true and develops a low self esteem.

It is vital to understand your child’s sensitivity. Giving the wrong kind of recognition leads to misunderstandings and lots of heartache for both parent and child. 

CASE STUDY

I have had a family who came to me with three boys. When we started talking about sensitivities, two of the boys had sensitive eyes while the other had a sensitive ear. The sensitive ear suddenly looked up to me and said very surprised: "So my dad actually loves me?"

The other boys were very surprised by his question and so was the mother (dad wasn't present at the session).

It turned out that their dad was a very involved dad, driving them to games, never missing a single game of all the boys, taking them for ice-cream and so on. But never ever did he express his love in words. The two boys thought their dad was awesome, but the sensitive ear boy just assumed that his dad didn't like him as much. It was a very emotional discovery for the whole family.

You can never underestimate the power of "speaking the right language" with your loved ones.

Sensitive children also need guidance to learn how to say “no” to people; otherwise they will always be “the sucker who says yes”. They need to learn how to be compassionate without compromising themselves and for that they need gentle parenting and guidance.

Some children have both of these sensitivities, which make them classic people pleasers. Help and show them how to be assertive because they easily fall prey to others’ manipulations. They also need both types of recognition to develop a healthy self esteem.

Some children have no sensitivity at all which you need to be aware of as well. They can become arrogant, defiant and manipulative. They need to learn how to deal with other peoples’ feelings (since they don’t care what other people think of them) and be considerate towards others. 

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't say or show you love these children, but it won't affect them the way it would for a sensitive child.

People are all different and it never ceases to amaze me. Learn about your own family's specific needs and see how your relationship changes.

I will gladly answer any questions or comments you might have regarding sensitivities.

 

The Importance of Class Placement

We all know that feeling: Standing in line of our classroom for the very first day, wondering where we’ll sit, if we’ll like the teacher and the subject. Either the teacher will let everyone choose their own seats or assign them based on some kind of order (alphabetically, academic performance) and of course move the kids that cause problems of some kind.

In a perfect world I would want to show each and every teacher where to place each child in their classrooms. Why? Because it has a greater impact on learning than you think.

Each person has a dominant ear and a dominant eye. This means that you see and hear better with a specific eye and ear and you process the information differently depending on the dominant side. As a general rule a child should sit with his dominant ear faced towards the teacher, therefore if your child is left ear dominant, he should sit on the right side of the classroom.

But why is this important? After all, you have been sitting in different places in classroom all your life and you’ve always been able to hear, right? Yes, you can hear no matter where you sit, but you will hear better when your dominant ear faces the speaker. You will also be less distracted because you won’t have to unconsciously turn your head to hear better.

As soon as a child has to turn his head to hear and process information better, he notices other things like classmates chit-chatting, someone’s hair that’s out of place, mismatched socks, and more. This can be so distracting that the child misses most of the lesson as he day dreams.

What’s more is that “problem children” are usually placed in front “where I can keep an eye on you”! These are usually children that need to move a lot in order to keep their brains from going into “sleep mode” (see my post on stress for more information on this). Now they have to sit in front where they will distract all the other kids when they move and what’s worse is that they are permanently in the spotlight: “Sit still! Be quiet! Leave him alone! Focus! Look at me! Stop that! What did I just say?”
This makes the child believe that he is naughty and therefore he will act naughty because it is expected of him.

A better way to manage this is to place the antsy children at the back of the class where they can move without disturbing the other kids. They only need some guidance as to how to move without disrupting the class (jumping up and running is out of the question, but squeezing a stress ball and/or sitting on a pilates ball is quiet, inconspicuous and keep that little brain alert).

Similarly children who are left eye dominant are prone to daydreaming and if they sit too far back, there is a whole host of things that could distract them. They should not sit farther back than the middle of the classroom.

So is this really an issue? Does it really make a noticeable difference?

Yes, it does!

I had a mother who brought her first grader to me because his teacher was insisting that he had ADD and needed medication. The mother was heartbroken and not wanting to just go to the doctor for a prescription, she came to me instead. Nothing in the child’s profile pointed to ADD, although he was left eye dominant and therefore prone to daydreaming.

I recommended he be moved to a different place in the classroom and the teacher refused as she had gone through a lot of trouble arranging her students. A month later the teacher gave in and moved the child. A week later the mother received a phone call from the teacher who apologised for jumping to conclusions - since he was moved to the correct spot in class he has been paying attention, completing tasks and the teacher could no longer see any symptoms of ADD.

It is amazing that something as small as where you sit in the classroom can make such a marked difference.

Do something different this year and have your child sit in the correct place in class and see for yourself if it makes a difference.
I will gladly assess your child and recommend the optimal position for him/her in a classroom.

Feel free to comment or contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

Stress: an Infographic

I spent some time on Canva (www.canva.com) to create an infographic. I had so much fun! Here it is. Let me know what you think!